CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a chilling new discovery, scientists have finally pinpointed the most advanced race on Earth: people who wear shorts in December. The centuries-long debate has culminated in a conclusion on which we all can agree. 

“Evolution has lead us to this very point,” noted scientist Roger Jennings, his shoulders on full display through his sleeveless undershirt despite sub-zero temperatures. “It started back in October with the three-quarter kaki. From there, the correlation between genetic superiority and pant length was strictly negative.”