1. The Giver of Wisdom: This student knows a lot about tangentially related material. He wants you to know a lot about it too. Actually, he just wants you to know he knows a lot. If you ask him a question about the material he brought up, he’ll just namedrop more unrelated sources instead. If you ask him about those, he’ll namedrop more. Due to the finite number of texts in the English corpus, if you keep asking he’ll have to mention the assigned reading eventually, but by then section’s already over.   

2. The Fluent Speaker: If you're fluent in the language already, what're you doing here? You’re here to work on your writing? News flash: writing is just the same words you speak with, written on paper. This is an intermediate level class. Please stop. 

3. The Speaker of the House: This is the guy who, when the TF asks the class if everyone gets something, responds immediately with an “oh, yeah, totally.” Mission accomplished! We’re done here, everyone, because section kid gets it! 

4. The Freshman: This is an enthusiastic freshman, who, honestly, we really shouldn’t be making fun of. Remember back when we were excited about learning, instead of being obsessed with requirements and career paths and things like that? This girl’s not the problem, your own bad attitude is. 

5. The Former Secretary of State James Baker: We’ve all dealt with this one before. This student was born April 1930 in Houston, Texas. He served as Secretary of the Treasury under Ronald Reagan and as Secretary of State under George H.W. Bush. He’s terrible. It’s 5:30 PM on a Monday, Former Secretary of State James Baker. Just take it easy with the questions so we can hear what’s going to be on the midterm.

6. The Bad Penny: This student’s somehow in all of your classes. All of them. How did that happen? Is she just like you? She can’t be, right? She’s so annoying! Is this how you seem to other people? No, right? You’re nothing like her! Right?

7. The Devil’s Advocate: This name doesn’t quite work. An advocate would have to actually be trained, and this guy’s a sophomore economics concentrator who’s never experienced or studied discrimination in his life. So it’s more like the Devil’s Legal Intern Who Got the Spot Because His Uncle’s a Partner. But no, totally “push back on that.”