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Harvard

HUIT Introduces Harvard Insecure, A New Network Which Works Only When You Validate Its Feelings

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a statement released by the Harvard University Information Technology Department, representative Anne Margulies announced a new solution to student complaints about Harvard Secure—Harvard Insecure. This new network allegedly will solve all the problems of Harvard Secure, the only catch being that it needs you to constantly reassure it that it’s doing a good job.

Hard to Watch: This Sophomore Thinks Carnitas is Harvard-Themed Meat

CAMBRIDGE, MA— This Thursday, the Crimson received reports that Harvard sophomore Henry Williamson ’22 is convinced that carnitas is a special Harvard version of meat.

According to onlookers, Williamson offered repeated guesses as to what exactly made the ‘carnitas’ Harvard-themed. “He first asked me if it was crimson colored. When I didn’t respond, he asked if it was ‘the meat of three lies’. I tried to go hide behind the grill but when he saw my hat poking out he screamed asking if the meat wasn’t actually found in 1636” said El Jefe’s owner John Schall.

Hey It’s Been A While But Can I Sleep On Your Floor?

Harvard College Wine Society: Fall Application

Wine tasting

Greetings, esteemed connoisseurs:

The Harvard College Wine Society is opening its application for another semester of bourgeois fun. Please complete the following application by September 14 at 11:59pm. 

NOTE: While some of you may consider wine consumption fundamental your college experience, unfortunately, like many other organizations, our capacity is limited. To maximize your chances of acceptance, note that we admit applicants based on enthusiasm, size of wine cellar at home, and yearly trips to Napa Valley. 

I Understand People Are Upset, But If It Helps I Will Be Making a Lot of Money

Drew G. Faust

By Drew Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

As many of you know, today I accepted a job sitting on the Board of Directors at Goldman Sachs. Subsequently, I have received much criticism for supposedly contradicting my statements that condemned the current state of the financial system in the United States. 

For example, I have noted that the financial crisis took a significant toll on so many, including members of our own community. But, if it makes you feel any better, I’m getting paid a fuckton amount of money. 

Quiz: Are These From The Mission of Harvard College or Bodak Yellow by Cardi B?

1. The mission of Harvard College is to educate the citizens and citizen-leaders for our society.

2. Said, "Lil bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to"

3. We do this through our commitment to the transformative power of a liberal arts and sciences education.

4. I don't dance now, I make money moves

5. I'm a boss, you a worker, bitch, I make bloody moves

6. We hope that students will begin to fashion their lives by gaining a sense of what they want to do with their gifts and talents... 

Harvard to Accept Less Fresh Men to Class of 2022

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard College will accept less fresh men to the class of 2022, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons ’67 said in an interview this week. 

Harvard College Introduces New Gennifer Education Requirements

On Wednesday, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences voted unanimously to introduce a new set of Gennifer education requirements to the college. Starting in the 2018-19 academic year, students in the college will be expected to take at least one course in the Gennifer Studies department.

All Courses are to be taught by Gennifer Edwards ‘19, a junior in Leverett studying Economics.

Example departmental courses include GS100: Gennifer’s Celebrity Crushes, GS171: Movies that I, Gennifer, would Bring on a Desert Island, and GS14: Introduction to Gennifer’s Odyssey Online Articles.

Student Blows Through All Two Sports Facts He Knows 30 Seconds Into Conversation

Two people talking.

LOWELL DINING HALL — Alex C. Smith '19 found himself at a loss on Wednesday after using up the only two sports facts he knows roughly 30 seconds into dinnertime small talk.

The painful conversation began when Lisa H. Jenkins '18 asked Smith, her former section acquaintance, whether he had caught the big game as the two waited for their grill orders.

“How ’bout those Packers, am I right?” he replied, relying on fact number one. “17-9 against the Seahawks is no easy feat.”

Harvard Reacts: Controversy over Admissions Practices

Widener Library

Recently, the Justice Department announced that it will investigate Harvard's admissions practices, and now the university has come under public scrutiny:

"Admission should be based on one factor: How many 501c3s have you founded?"
        –Alex R. Watson ’20, Founder of Kids Taking on Chlamydia

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