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Truly Pathetic: Class of 2023 Students Try to Describe ‘Normal’ Spring Semester

Students leaving campus during the COVID-19 Pandemic

If you are a member of Harvard administration, you probably already hate the undergraduate class of 2023 more than anything else in the world, but even if you’re not you can at least despise their total incompetence in describing typical Harvard life!

 

We surveyed over 50 students from the class of 2023 with a simple question: “What is Harvard like in spring semester?” and, oh boy, these results are just embarrassing:

 

I'm Not Like Other Semesters. I'm Different.

Harvard

By Fall 2020

I know, I know. You probably don’t want to hear from me. You think that I’m the weird one. The outsider. The one that's been "ruining your college experience for the past 4 miserable months”.

BREAKING: 100% of Non-Existent Internships Cancelled

An image of Harvard University

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a letter to all undergraduate students, the OCS sadly announced that all “imaginary or fabricated internships” have been put on hold for summer 2020 due to COVID-19, without elaborating on remote possibilities. This news comes after the Office of International Education, along with many prestigious tech and finance firms, have cancelled their 2020 internships.

Sophomore Jean Klein said she was deeply surprised by the news and wondered whether she could still tell people she’d “probably be working on a campaign this summer.”

HUIT Introduces Harvard Insecure, A New Network Which Works Only When You Validate Its Feelings

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a statement released by the Harvard University Information Technology Department, representative Anne Margulies announced a new solution to student complaints about Harvard Secure—Harvard Insecure. This new network allegedly will solve all the problems of Harvard Secure, the only catch being that it needs you to constantly reassure it that it’s doing a good job.

Hard to Watch: This Sophomore Thinks Carnitas is Harvard-Themed Meat

CAMBRIDGE, MA— This Thursday, the Crimson received reports that Harvard sophomore Henry Williamson ’22 is convinced that carnitas is a special Harvard version of meat.

According to onlookers, Williamson offered repeated guesses as to what exactly made the ‘carnitas’ Harvard-themed. “He first asked me if it was crimson colored. When I didn’t respond, he asked if it was ‘the meat of three lies’. I tried to go hide behind the grill but when he saw my hat poking out he screamed asking if the meat wasn’t actually found in 1636” said El Jefe’s owner John Schall.

Hey It’s Been A While But Can I Sleep On Your Floor?

Harvard College Wine Society: Fall Application

Wine tasting

Greetings, esteemed connoisseurs:

The Harvard College Wine Society is opening its application for another semester of bourgeois fun. Please complete the following application by September 14 at 11:59pm. 

NOTE: While some of you may consider wine consumption fundamental your college experience, unfortunately, like many other organizations, our capacity is limited. To maximize your chances of acceptance, note that we admit applicants based on enthusiasm, size of wine cellar at home, and yearly trips to Napa Valley. 

I Understand People Are Upset, But If It Helps I Will Be Making a Lot of Money

Drew G. Faust

By Drew Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

As many of you know, today I accepted a job sitting on the Board of Directors at Goldman Sachs. Subsequently, I have received much criticism for supposedly contradicting my statements that condemned the current state of the financial system in the United States. 

For example, I have noted that the financial crisis took a significant toll on so many, including members of our own community. But, if it makes you feel any better, I’m getting paid a fuckton amount of money. 

Quiz: Are These From The Mission of Harvard College or Bodak Yellow by Cardi B?

1. The mission of Harvard College is to educate the citizens and citizen-leaders for our society.

2. Said, "Lil bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to"

3. We do this through our commitment to the transformative power of a liberal arts and sciences education.

4. I don't dance now, I make money moves

5. I'm a boss, you a worker, bitch, I make bloody moves

6. We hope that students will begin to fashion their lives by gaining a sense of what they want to do with their gifts and talents... 

Harvard to Accept Less Fresh Men to Class of 2022

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard College will accept less fresh men to the class of 2022, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons ’67 said in an interview this week. 

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