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Five Tips to Help You Reach Your Thesis Word Requirement

Choose frustration over stress. It’s a longer word!

With the deadline for your thesis approaching quickly, here is some sound advice to help you make it through. This article should only take a few minutes to read, so you can get back to typing soon.  


1. Use the social life you have abandoned as source material.

If your room has a lock, lock it. If your room doesn’t have a lock, ask a roommate to barricade your door with a chair, a mini fridge, or a suitcase that has been sitting under your bed since August. While you’re in this state of isolation, take the time to type up lengthy descriptions of the parties you would have attended, the drinks you would have sipped, the potential long-term romantic partners you would have met, and the pictures you would taken and seen on Facebook, only to un-tag your blurry, wasted, non-thesis-writing self an hour later. Pour your heart and soul into these narratives with as much emotion as you would have poured a tequila shot.


2. Write about your activist friend’s latest cause.

Take those conversations about whales and capitalism, and add them straight to your thesis. It will be very easy to make them relevant to your topic as long as you address economic, social, or political connections, framing these examples as real-world applications of your knowledge.  Plus, no right-minded person would criticize your inclusion of statistics about the rising water levels. That would make it seem like they don’t care about global warming, and everyone has to at least acknowledge global warming. The same goes for the rainforest and bald eagles. These are thesis readers, not monsters!  


3. Fill the last few pages with inspirational quotes. 

Treat your thesis like the status of your old AIM account, or the unashamedly spiritual twitter feed of a thirteen-year-old who really wants you to dance like no one is watching. This is a great opportunity to get creative. Have you pondered the meaning of life while struggling to get through the last chunk of your thesis? Do you think the journey is more important than the destination? Weigh in with your opinion and reach that word count, all while inspiring your thesis reader to shoot for the moon, because even if they miss, they’ll land among the fixed luminous points in the night sky known as stars.


4. Print out blank sheets of paper, then cry on them.

If a picture is worth 1,000 words, tears have to be worth at least 600, maybe even 750 if they’re genuine. Plus, they will evoke sympathy in your reader. For maximum tear density, cut an onion, squeeze a glob of Purell onto a paper cut, or think about your lack of prospects this fall when you enter the real world. Unless you’re a concentrator with a junior paper, in which case you should think about the fact that come next year you will be doing this all over again except it’s much more important and time-consuming. That should get the waterworks flowing!  


5. Copy & paste this article.

This one is pretty self explanatory. “Five Tips to Help You Reach Your Thesis Word Requirement” is roughly 575 words. Use it as many times as needed to hit that minimum number. And feel free to copy and paste it even more times if you’re striving for the maximum word count! You go, overachiever!

© 2016