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Jews Pissed About Having to Watch Unbroken This Christmas

Members of the Jewish population across the United States and Canada expressed their outrage at having to watch the Universal Pictures biodrama Unbroken this Christmas, in the wake of reports that Sony cancelled the release of The Interview due to threats from the North Korean government.

“Well, this sucks,” announced an irate Michael Goldberg, after the 32-year-old Nyack, NY resident discovered that the Seth Rogen-directed comedy will not be showing at any of the theaters near his parents’ South Florida home and that he will instead have to accompany them to a screening of Angelina Jolie’s inspirational true story about an Olympic runner-turned-WWII POW.

“I mean, the Coen Brothers did the screenplay, so it can’t be awful, but it’s just not the same,” reported Goldberg. “I’m a huge fan of Seth Rogen, and going to see a really crude movie on Christmas is usually the only I way I can get a few hours of privacy when I’m visiting my folks.”

The office of Abraham Foxman, National Director of the Anti-Defamation League, has released a strongly worded statement condemning Sony’s actions, declaring that “[t]his shocking disregard for one of the Jewish people’s most cherished and sacred traditions is worrying at best and downright offensive at worst” and that “while all of us here at the ADL are sure that the story of Louie Zamperini is very moving, that still in no way mitigates the harmful effects of this assault on our culture.”

“In fact,” Foxman continued, “this is almost as unacceptable as a Sichuan-style restaurant being closed on Christmas, thus forcing all Jewish Americans, regardless of taste, to eat at a Chinese eatery with a name like Mr. Yang’s House of Chop Suey.”

However, the chosen people have reached a consensus that, no matter how clichéd Unbroken is sure to be, it at least means they don’t have to see Into the Woods.

© 2014