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The Interview

Jews Pissed About Having to Watch Unbroken This Christmas

Members of the Jewish population across the United States and Canada expressed their outrage at having to watch the Universal Pictures biodrama Unbroken this Christmas, in the wake of reports that Sony cancelled the release of The Interview due to threats from the North Korean government.

North Korean Flag Raised Above US Capitol

The sun never sets on the Democratic People's Empire unless previously authorized.

Sung, DK, Glorious Democratic People's Republic of the Former United States—Following hacks of sensitive information and unsubstantiated empty threats to turn Sony Pictures and every movie theater in America into a “sea of flames rivaled only by Tartarus itself”, President Barack Obama earlier today signed an oath of allegiance to Kim Jong-Un. Shortly thereafter, the president was executed by firing squad along with Seth Rogen, James Franco, Amy Pascal, and Steve Hannah, CEO of the Onion, for their crimes against the Glorious Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

Astonished North Korean Programmer Stares at Computer Screen in Disbelief

Pyongyang, North Korea – Kang Soo-Kyoh, a thirty-three year old computer hacker employed by the North Korean government, blinked slowly three times earlier today before removing his glasses, cleaning them on his shirt, and replacing them on his face in order to squint at the headlines filling his Google News feed.

“Jesus H. Kim,” said Kang, “That actually worked.”

Kang, who was tasked with preventing the release of Sony Pictures’ The Interview later this month, “can’t freaking believe it.”