LOS ANGELES, CA -- News has leaked that pop star Ke$ha held a secret wedding ceremony in Smith Baptist Church located in Scranton, PA, the hometown of her new groom, earlier this week. Court documents show that she is now legally the bride of a mild-mannered male nurse named Kirk Snaught, whom she met at her weekly Lamaze class.
“It’s something I can never explain. We were both not pregnant, both interested in Lamaze for recreational and educational purposes; I mean, I don’t know what it was, but I knew the connection was instant and deep.”
She has since fired her professional team, and announced at a press conference that she would be retiring from the music industry altogether.
A makeupless Ke$ha stood before the crowd of reporters: “I just want time off to sit at home and be domestic. I’ve already started my application to the local book club. I’m ready to TiVo some Ellen and really start living.”
In a private interview with our publication, she revealed her belief that housewifery was her true calling. “It’s just what I’m best suited for! I mean, it’s not as if ‘Kesha Rose Sebert Snaught’ is really someone you expect to run around inebriated, looking for phalluses with a dollar sign in her name, now do you?” She stifled her girlish giggle with a kitten-embroidered handkerchief.
In another sign of departure from her former life, she shut down her Twitter account this morning; her sign-off tweet: “Farewell, going 2 perfect this quiche recipe.”
Her Facebook fanpage profile picture has been changed to Ms. Snaught in a blue-and-white checkered apron, vacuuming a carpet.
“This is how all women should live. We are only empowered if we forgo promiscuity and take on a more modest form of dress,” she warned me.
I was convinced by this revelation, ready to sell my Ke$ha albums on eBay for a huge profit, until I checked my pocket upon reaching the news van. Inside was a small piece of “K and K” stationary with a wide scrawl filling the paper. It included a SnapChat screenname, a PO Box address and on the reverse, “Send dickpics and glitter, bitch. –K.”
