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NASA Releases Official Horoscopes Including New Zodiac Sign

A 16th-century woodcut that, let's face it, is full of shit.

With the discovery that shifts in the Earth's axis have made the constellation Ophiuchus a thirteenth sign of the Zodiac, astronomers and astrologers alike in a tizzy. These new revelations have made it eminently clear that everything we thought we knew about ourselves, our fellow man, and our universe is utter bullshit. In an attempt to assuage these concerns, NASA has released official new horoscope readings for all thirteen signs.

 

Aquarius

Now is a good time to get out of your comfort zone. Playing it safe has worked so well for you up to now that you have become afraid of leaving your shell. The next step is difficult, but you must take a chance and try the adventurous. Great memories will be made if you are strong enough to move forward. But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

 

Pisces

A person from your past will re-enter your life very soon. This is not a cause for alarm, as they will bring comfort and well-being into your soul. Do not be skeptical, have faith in this person, and they will do the same for you. But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

 

Aries

Don’t phone in your Christmas gifts this year, Gary. Do your shit on time for once. This is why mom always liked Dave more than you. But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

 

Taurus

Be careful. There will be a lot of offers coming your way soon, but make sure you don’t accept any too quickly. Rein in your impulses and the right thing will come your way, just don’t grab something else in its place. And yes, by something else, we do mean Jason. We get it, he's cute, but you can do so much better. But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

 

Gemini

Lately, you feel unappreciated. You are so kind to others, and sometimes it may feel like you give and give and give without getting anything in return. This is only temporary, don’t worry. Not everyone is as mature as you, but they will soon learn how important you really are, especially in their time of need. But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

 

Cancer

You have two options. You can take the path less traveled, but, let's face it, at this point it’s become super-hipster. Alternatively, you take the road more traveled, but then you’ll just be a cog in the military-industrial-complex like every other tool who grew up in a cul-de-sac. Maybe take a gap year instead? But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

 

Leo

Take a deep breath. You have been stressing yourself out over the little things, and they have been distracting you from the big picture. Stop, smell the roses, and dwell in the beauty of the present. Only then will you reach your maximum potential. But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this. 

 

Virgo

You’ve been feeling tired lately, probably because you haven’t been sleeping well. Limit your screen time before bed, maybe pick up a book or do some tai-chi. Jesus, when was the last time you read a book? We get it, you're an Economics concentrator, it's not your job to read, but just pick up a copy of Between the World and Me. It'll change your life. But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

 

Libra

The rising of the frozen sun will signify the end of your reign. You must purge the land of all your enemies before they purge you. Leave no stone unturned. All wish to see you fall. But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

 

Scorpio

You will hit the jackpot if you go to the casino tonight. I know it. Just one more time, it’ll finally pay off. I’m sure. I’m super sure. Mortgage the house, I promise it’ll pay itself off. I promise. But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

 

Ophiuchus

Don’t think you are hot shit just because your astrological sign is a snake. KNOW you are hot shit because your astrological sign is a snake. AND you were born in the year of the dragon. How freaking awesome is that? But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

 

Sagittarius

Don’t rush into a relationship until you are sure you are ready for the commitment. The ups and downs of your love life are sources of a lot of happiness for you, but also a lot of confusion. Perhaps it’s time to “date yourself” for a change. Think about it. Someone your mother actually likes. Never fighting about what to watch on TV. Sounds pretty good, right? But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

 

Capricorn

Change is always difficult. You struggle with it in particular, but it is nothing to be afraid of. While something new is coming your way, embrace it with all your heart. You will learn a lot, and grow as an individual if you do. But you are a fucking idiot if you believe this.

© 2016
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