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Newly Unemployed Shamu Alleged Whale-Fare Queen

Shamu is all smiles after receiving another check in the mail.

San Diego, CA—Following SeaWorld’s announcement that it is ending its killer whale shows, grandiose rumors surround the show's former star. Shamu, now known in the sea animal community as a whale-fare queen, has reportedly already spent much of her first unemployment check on swanky living quarters.

“Her new place in the Pacific is so huge, it makes my tank here look like a kiddie pool,” commented an anonymous dolphin friend of Shamu. “And thanks to those food stamps, her fridge is completely packed with organic free-range salmon!”

Other stories about Shamu’s new standard of living concern her family planning. “I heard she’s gonna pop out one calf after another for the additional whale-fare benefits,” Wally the Walrus revealed to a group of tourists Friday afternoon. “Must be nice not having to get it on with so many people watching all the time,” he added, eyeing the SeaWorld employee leading Wanda the Walrus into his habitat display.

Recently released figures regarding Shamu’s increasing wealth indicate she receives veterans’ benefits on behalf of her many late whale husbands who died in training. With this income, she has allegedly purchased an XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL hammock to lie in while taunting the hard-working animals still employed at SeaWorld.

At press time, SeaWorld executives had privately expressed their disappointment that Shamu was not holding herself up to the standards of the “much more respectable Wyatt the White Whale.”

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