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QUIZ: Are You Living the College Lifestyle, or Do You Just Have No Self-Respect?

boys in a dorm room
Are these students college bros or self-destructive masochists?
It’s late. 3:02 a.m. to be exact. You just finished a long pset, and you’re done studying for the night. You decide to reward yourself with some late night Easy Mac. You’re two-and-a-half bowls deep when you start to wonder if instant mac and cheese is just part of the broke college student aesthetic or if this choice is a manifestation of your deep-seated self-hatred.
We’ve all been there: Are you living the college lifestyle, or do you just have no self-respect? Take this handy quiz to find out!

1. The last time you pulled an all-nighter, you were...
a) Cramming for an Ec midterm.
b) Planning to cram for an Ec midterm—but you got distracted and ended up watching six hours of Vine compilations while eating ice cream out of the tub.

2. Where was your last sexual encounter?
a) In your partner’s twin XL bed, tucked away in the privacy of a hallway single.
b) On the couch in the back of the Pfoho Igloo, like the last time and the time before that.

3. How long has it been since you did laundry?
a) Two days. 
b) You’re not too sure, but you’re wearing swimsuit bottoms as underwear, so it’s probably been awhile. You're thinking about just buying more underwear so you can stop doing laundry altogether.

4. Would you rather...?
a) Have a laid-back night with your friends—maybe watch a movie, drink some boxed wine, have a deep conversation about your feelings, etc.
b) Rip eight shots of Pink Lemonade Rubinoff at the pre-pregame, down a couple more at the pregame, blackout, forget you exist for the rest of the night, etc.

5. The last time you went to El Jefe’s...
a) You were blackout drunk, and it was 3 a.m.
b) You were stone-cold sober, and it was 11 p.m. Wait. No. It was definitely 11 a.m.

6. How many pizza boxes have been sitting in your common room for the last six weeks?
a) None.
b) Seven.

7. How many slices of pizza have been sitting in those boxes for the last 6 weeks?
a) N/A.
b) 2-3.

8. Now that we’ve reminded you there’s leftover pizza in those boxes, are you now considering eating those 2-3 slices?
a) N/A.
b) ...yes.


Mostly As: You’re just a college student living that #collegelife with some semblance of self-respect! You balance your social and academic obligations the best you can without losing track of your dignity. Well done!

Mostly Bs: You may think you’re just living the college lifestyle, but in actuality you just have no self-respect! On the inside—deep, deep down—you know your favorite hobby is self-destruction. Maybe you’ve come to this realization in the past, but you, being the self-loathing masochist you are, never do anything about it and instead cope with your profound sadness through alcohol-fueled escapism. Woo!

About even: You walk the fine line between college-living and self-hatred! You maintain a mostly healthy lifestyle, but you teeter on the edge of oblivion at times. Just a few more tough experiences would probably be enough to send you into an existential tailspin! You’re a “work hard, play hard” type of person who will occasionally eat food off the floor—but hey, 5-second rule!
© 2018