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Sun Wishes Humanity Would Shut the Fuck Up About Global Warming, Just Enjoy Warmer Weather

The Sun, pictured here, fuming about humanity's response to today's warmer weather.

THE SKY -- After a 50-degree day followed a chlling weekend of below-zero temperatures, the Sun let off some steam and complained about Earth residents' whining.

“Frankly, it’s getting a little tiresome,” said the Sun, referring to mankind’s newfound tendency to glance nervously at the sky and make a lame joke about the perks of global warming instead of just enjoying the warmer day. In an exclusive interview with Satire V today, the bright center of the Solar System was visibly upset that no one was appreciating the warmer weather he had worked so hard on.

“It’s not SUSPICIOUS, you idiots, I’m just trying to show you a good time! I’m doing humanity a favor, for crying out loud, and these fuckers just can’t relax and enjoy it. If they want to poison their atmosphere, that's fine. But it's not my problem. I’ve been trying to spruce up the place a bit,” he said, gesturing to the vast expanse of space surrounding him, as he turned on Spotify’s “Sunny Day” playlist and donned his custom-made Ray-Bans. “Oh yeah,” he enthused when ELO’s “Mr. Blue Sky” came on. “This is my JAM!”

“I’ve been through a lot in the last 4.5 billion years,” he continued. “And one of the things I’ve learned is you should take the good times where you can get them. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade. I certainly haven’t.” The main-sequence G2 star then reaffirmed his commitment to supporting life on Earth by converting hydrogen to helium in his fiery core for at least another couple billion years, regardless of whether life on Earth can support itself.

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