and entering

Thirty-Four-Day Anniversary Ideas That Will Show Him You're Clingier Than All His Exes

A romantic couple (silhouetted)
Show him explicitly how much these thirty-four days have meant to you!
  1. Make a cute collage

  2. Take a long walk in the park

  3. Knit matching sweaters

  4. Casually email him houses you're looking at on Zillow

  5. Sign up for a family phone plan

  6. Tell him "Today it's okay, but next week let's start getting in shape for the wedding" when you see him reach for a slice of pie

  7. Become besties with his Mom, Marla, a pharmacist tech

  8. Wiretap his phone

  9. Buy one of those rings made from human hair

  10. Go to to find out where Marla works to casually "bump" into her, and use the opportunity to ask probing questions about Josh's lovers (where they live, how they met Josh, if they made it past the coveted thirty-four day mark – this information is vital)

  11. Buy neighboring grave plots

  12. Donate 1.5 million dollars to Exeter

  13. Donate 1.75 million dollars to Andover, too

  14. Donate 2 million dollars to Brearley, just in case it's a girl

  15. Stop. Breathe. (But then bottle it, and give it to him).

  16. Get a tattoo of penicillin, Marla’s antibiotic of choice

  17. Get close to Josh’s boss

  18. Fuck Josh’s boss, but just for the plan

  19. Convince Josh’s boss that the only way you’ll ever sleep with him again is if he fires Josh

  20. Treat Josh to a special “I’m sorry you got fired” dinner 

  21. Plant tree nuts, one of his allergens, in this “I’m sorry you got fired” dinner in order to show that you have an EpiPen and are fully prepared to accommodate his dietary restrictions

  22. Sleep with his boss one last time (for closure)

  23. Send Marla a sex tape in order to make her feel included

  24. Dub him a special edition of Marriage Story, but it’s just the part where they’re married and every single line of dialogue in the fighting scene is “I love you so fucking much, babe”

  25. Start having protected sex because Marla sent you syphilis treatment after seeing the video

  26. Change your middle name to Josh

  27. Change your first name to Josh

  28. Change your last name to Josh’s last name — only to make the paperwork easier, of course. 

  29. Marry his boss, only in order to divorce him, so you can say that you’ve always loved Josh

  30. Buy one more grave plot, but we need it now

  31. Fuck it, fake a pregnancy scare 

© 2020