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13 Surefire Ways to Re-Establish Yourself as Section Kid via Zoom

Johnny clearly needs to take heed of #11

This pandemic sucks! Sure, a bunch of people are dying from a novel, highly infectious virus, but even worse: school’s been moved online! How are you supposed to assert your dominance over your peers during section now?! Not to fear –- simply follow these 13 Surefire Ways to Re-Establish Yourself as Section Kid via Zoom!

  1. Keep your video on, even though it's a 200 person lecture and everyone else's is off. Angle your camera strategically so that it shows off all your high school decathlon medals.

  2. When the teacher asks a question, don't use the primitive "Raise Hand" button, just unmute yourself at will because you are a god and everyone should hear what you have to say.

  3. Halfway through class, get up from your desk so that everyone can see you're not wearing pajama bottoms, thereby demonstrating that you fuckkkkk.

  4. Drop a step-by-step Prezi tutorial of how to turn off the "new participant" doorbell sound for your professor in the Zoom chat for everyone to see.

  5. If you are in a time zone where it’s still dark outside during your class, make sure to angle the camera towards the window so the professor can comment on the sun rising. Do not yawn even a single time. 

  6. Upload a virtual background of mahogany bookcases to demonstrate both your literacy and your technical prowess.

  7. Put on a full face of makeup and your most formal attire even for your earliest classes so you can effectively prove you, in fact, woke up like this.

  8. Share your screen and “accidentally” navigate to your Unofficial Harvard College Transcript at least once per class. The ladies will love this.

  9. When the professor asks if anyone can hear or wonders if the screen sharing is working, be the first to respond by at least 1.4 seconds. Voice is preferable, but chat works fine as well.

  10. Eat celery with your sound unmuted so everyone subsisting on instant noodles and mac n' cheese can see that you're physically superior. Hear their health goals die with the crunch of each stalk.

  11. Wear your mirrored glasses so your inferior peers can see that the other tabs you have open are in fact the readings and not Zoom Memes for Quaranteens.

  12. During virtual office hours mention that the Emergency Sat/Unsat system doesn‘t affect your plans for grad school because your GPA is already a 4.0.

  13. When someone DMs you complimenting your virtual video background that shows you simultaneously reading Being and Time and taking copious notes, simply correct them that it is not a background, and their internet must be even slower than their appetite for knowledge.


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