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7 Ways to TOTALLY Convince Your Peers You’re a REAL Math Concentrator

The best way to convince your peers that you're a real math concentrator is to not be a woman.

1) Almost done with your homework, but feel like it lacks some mathematical oomph? Spice it up by starting every problem with “Consider the case generically where the result trivially holds and consider by noting that the note of triviality follows trivially.” Your professor will NEVER guess that you struggle with imposter syndrome every night!

2) Thinking about the classes you want to take next semester? Do they have the phrases “quasicoherent sheaf” or “Mahavier product” in their course titles? If not, then don’t even think about it! Take a junior tutorial on category theory instead, and soon you’ll have everyone in the department talking about how you know what a fundamental category functor is!

3) The next time someone asks you which freshman math course you took, don’t laugh nervously and say “well, uh, 21, but it was such a joke, I should’ve taken 55.” Instead, try “Well, now that I study PURE MATH, I don’t know how to use numbering systems anymore”! No one will EVER know that you had limited access to mathematical resources in high school and hadn’t heard of linear algebra before college! Wowza!

4) Walk into a meeting with a professor and forget that you were wearing nail polish? Instead of balling your hands into fists and breaking into a cold sweat, just wear your cowhide gloves next time! No one will be able to judge you for taking care of your nail beds, and you’ll look AWESOME gripping the chalk as you prove that every regular map of varieties is continuous in the Zariski topology! Feminist win!

5) This next tip is for those of you who are considering a joint concentration with Math: don’t fucking do it! How will your peers know you’re a REAL Math concentrator if you display interest in the relationship between mathematics and other fields? Show them what you’re made of and spend the rest of your time at Harvard studying the cohomology of groups!

6) Anxious about where to sit at the next Math Luncheon? We’ve got you covered! Just hover silently next to the grad students in the corner! That way, everyone will see you associate with Real Mathematicians, and you can avoid being caught between two freshmen discussing their algebraic geometry topics class! Talk about a win-win, am I right?

7) Want a quick, easy way to assert your dominance in the Math Lounge? Wait until there’s a reasonably sized crowd gathered for the 4:00 cookies, and then make a lewd joke about the hairy ball theorem! You’ll be the realest Math concentrator in no time! Bonus points for referring to your own “schweddy thangs”!

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