Cambridge, MA—After the recent opening of another CVS at the corner of Mass Ave and JFK St., the Harvard Administration has intensified its struggle to prevent the pharmacy chain from spreading any further. At one point, thirteen CVS locations were operating within a small, 2-block stretch of Mass Ave and JFK St.
“It’s chaos out here,” said Executive Vice President Katie Lapp, reporting live from the newest CVS location, having recently left the puddle under which she was trapped. “Unnecessarily long receipts are lining the aisles and spilling over into the streets. I advise members of the Harvard community to avoid this intersection AT ALL COSTS.”
"When I woke up this morning, my bookshelf had turned into a line of Clairol Natural Instincts Hair Color dyes," said Wigglesworth resident Heather Franklin '18. "Well, hey, it lasts for 28 shampoos but...I needed those books."
Satire V reached out to CVS Health CEO Larry J. Merlo for a response to the infestation. “We here at CVS love to open up new store locations. It’s part of our business model,” said Merlo. “And by business model I mean, being the only store in a given area that sells uncompromisingly essential items.”
Dean of the College Rakesh Khurana has also urged caution to community members. “If you come across another CVS location, stop and engage with it,” said Dean Khurana. “Try to understand why that CVS is spreading. Walk a mile in its shoes. But make sure to keep your receipt.”
However, not all members of the Harvard administration are concerned about the CVS epidemic.
“Just keep building!” said Harvard University President Drew Faust. “DRILL BABY DRILL!”
