and entering

Area Harvard Student Constantly Mentally Editing the “Early Life” Section of His Future Wikipedia Page

A screenshot of Rakesh Khurana's wikipedia page showing the Early Life and Education Heading with edit button
Does this "career" section make my butt look big?

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Area Harvard student Adam Shapiro ’24, a “social junior, academic sophomore,” Gov concentrator, and deeply uncommitted member of Leverett House, is reported to always be mentally editing the “Early Life” section of what he anticipates will be his future Wikipedia page. What Adam will actually be famous for, however, remains to be seen. 

 Adam’s close friend, Dylan Whitman ’24, expressed concern for his friend. “Yeah, even when we’re having lunch or doing work or something, Adam’s eyes will sometimes kinda glaze over, and I’m like, oh yeah, he’s probably planning out having a hyperlink to his private high school in D.C. and some footnotes to his Crimson sports stories.” 

 But Dylan, a good friend to Adam and a fellow narcissist, didn’t pass judgment on his friend: “Hey, I get it. It’s like, do I put the summer camp I went to for seven summers in a row or not?” Dylan's sense of urgency surrounding this question has helped him make friends in his HFAC comp class.

 Adam’s Ec10 pset buddy from freshman year, Ben Williams ’24, recalls being puzzled about this tendency of his acquaintance: “I don’t know Adam very well, aside from knowing about all his high school accomplishments, which he mutters in chronological order under his breath every few minutes.”

 Adam’s ex-girlfriend, Emily Goldstein ’24, a TDM concentrator and lead actress in HRDC’s racially insensitive production of The Wiz, said that Adam’s obsession with his future Wikipedia page caused the recent demise of their relationship. She alleges that Adam would stay up for hours, pacing the floor of his hallway single, debating whether or not to include his third-round rejection from the Sab as a source of inspiration to his future underdog fans, or keep it out because let’s be honest, that’s sort of embarrassing. 

“I was just like, how do you know that you’ll even be noteworthy enough to deserve your own Wikipedia page?” Emily recalls. “Then Adam started crying. It really gave me the ick.”

 Adam said his breakup with Emily was difficult, but it’ll all be worth it if Emily pursues acting after graduation. “It would be so great if she gets nominated for a Golden Globe someday,” he says, demonstrating an uncharacteristic supportiveness towards a woman. To Adam’s future disgust, Emily will be working for The Kraft Heinz Company this summer and does not plan to pursue acting.

In blissful ignorance, Adam continued: “Then I could have a sentence, like, ‘While an undergraduate, Shapiro had a relationship with Golden Globe-nominated actress Emily Goldstein' (with a hyperlink, of course). Wait. Should that go in ‘Personal Life’ or ‘Early Life’? This is so stressful.”

© 2022