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Area Professor Addresses Elephant in the Zoom

Indeed, an elephant in the zoom
According to conservation reports, more elephants are being viewed on Zoom than in zoos for the first time in history.

CAMBRIDGE, MA  — A Math 21 professor was finally forced to address the elephant in the Zoom last Thursday, when the initially adorable interruption almost cost a sophomore his life.

Professor Ken Spalding was just finishing up a discussion about axioms when NutterButter, sophomore Benjamin Kent’s three-year-old pet African elephant, appeared in the frame as he ambled past Ben’s computer webcam. The first ‘aw’ made the Zoom room a powder keg: in a matter of seconds, all fifty undergrads forgot everything they knew about math, diverting their full attention to the adorable pet now snuggling up onto Ben’s lap. Even Spalding couldn’t help but crack a smile. “Aw, isn’t he precious,” the professor gushed; a TF was heard asking, “Is it a boy or a girl?” When Ben failed to respond, students and professors alike just chalked it up to a brief break in WiFi connection.

Little did students know the two-ton elephant, now bearing its crushing weight completely on Ben’s lap, had already snapped both the student’s femurs and was well on his way to finishing the sucker off. “I kept gasping out ‘help me, help me,’ but nobody could hear me over the questions and ‘aw’s,” Ben recalled. “One of my TFs is actually a trained paramedic, so I have no idea why he wasn’t offering some help!” Investigators quickly reached out to the TF, Rob Dudley, following the incident. “I did hear some kid calling out ‘help!’ here and there, yeah, but that’s pretty standard when we get to Tarski’s axioms,” Dudley explained. “And unfortunately, as all this went down, I had by chance been away tending to a small personal emergency in another room.” Investigators later learned that that personal emergency was Dudley’s Animal Crossing villager getting bored, and that he had been continuously tending to it since an hour before class started. 

Ben is currently in stable condition, though his two broken legs allegedly “still kinda hurt,” and NutterButter, who had been illicitly smuggled from Cameroon, has been returned home. Ben’s legal team tried organizing a virtual press time with University representatives to discuss damages, but unfortunately nobody filled out the DoodlePoll.

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