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Bleary-Eyed DOJ Lawyer Can’t Wait to Read Another Common App Essay About Passion

Iverson asks herself how it is that hundreds of kids all discovered the true meaning of leadership at camp.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bleary-eyed Department of Justice lawyer Mackenzie L. Iverson, who is part of the team investigating Harvard's admissions practices, could not contain her excitement about reading yet another Common App essay on the theme of passion.

"Oh boy, I can't wait to dive into another one of these babies," said Iverson through gritted teeth, glancing at the clock and wishing it were 5:00 p.m. already. "These essays are so interesting. I definitely do not want to shove a pencil into my eye socket after reading another 650 words about some kid's journey to becoming the state debate champion," she added, before collapsing onto her desk.

Iverson, tasked with reviewing a large batch of the Harvard admissions essays that the DOJ subpoenaed, has managed to read more than 2,000 essays so far and cannot wait to see what else these overachieving 17-year-olds and their $100/hour college consultants have to say about the nature of life.

"I've started to notice patterns. Most essays are about curing cancer, world peace—that kind of stuff. But the quirky ones are my favorite. Like this kid who has a passion for baking," said Iverson. "And this one who has a passion for baking. And this one. And this one," she added, trailing off.

At press time, Iverson was marking another tally in the "For as Long as I Can Remember..." column of her notebook and was opening up a large manila folder marked "Niche Competitive Sports."

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