and entering

Dean Dingman: We're Going To Make OSL The Shit

Dear students: get ready to get turnt.

Dear Harvard College Students, Faculty, and Affiliates,

It is with mixed emotions that I confirm what many of you have already heard--that my dear friend Stephen Lassonde will be resigning as Dean of Student Life next week, and that I will temporarily be filling his position while the College seeks a replacement. While Dean Lassonde has been a devoted servant of our beloved institution for many years, it is my firm belief that there is still much work to be done in creating welcoming environments for our students, and it is with this in mind that I announce the start of the Tommy D's 53 Dunster Street Bacchanalian Free-For-All Initiative.
TD5DSBFFAI, as those in "the know" are calling it, is a state-of-the-art new program designed to ensure that all Harvard undergraduates have access to an inclusive and inviting social space and all the amenities one requires in such a space, be they scotch, vodka, or scotchka. Rather than appropriating UC grants for student purchases of alcohol, we seek to cut out the middle man by providing Tommy D's fine lil' biddies and bumpin-ass bros with all the hard liquor your little livers desire. Except, of course, for Jackson Martell '16, a punk-ass bitch ne plus ultra who has hopefully learned that when Tommy D is singing "Milkshake" at Queen's Head Pub karaoke night, Tommy D will sing it in solitude without some lame-ass philosophy concentrator trying to join in.
But I digress. TD5DSBFFAI is, of course, only one of many new programs that we at the OSL are eager to introduce. We plan to follow through on the push to reorganize Pusey Library as an inclusive social space, starting with its rebranding as the Rakesh is a Pussay Library in memory of that one time me, Rakesh, and Notorious DGF were at the Kong and Rakesh couldn't even finish his first scorpion bowl before he started kneeling on the floor and talking about reflecting or some shit. Changes are also in store for the Robbins Library of Philosophy, which will become home to the Passionz by Tommy D exotic night club, unless, of course, a certain Spinoza-spouting scumbucket with the initials J.M. apologizes for screaming "Damn right, it's better than yours!" during the chorus of yours truly's jam.
Lastly, in the interest of greater accountability, I will, throughout my tenure, hold regularly-scheduled office hours at the Delphic Club from 1:30 to 2:00 AM on Saturdays, and on the bench in Cambridge Common whenever my boy Skeech finally gets back to me about that Alaskan Thunderfuck I ordered.
Yours at 53 Dunster Street,
Thomas "Tommy D" Dingman
Dean of Phresh
Image source: Connie Yan/The Crimson
© 2016