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Drew Faust Admits to Smoking Crack

Cambridge, MA-  After months of denying rumors that a video showed her smoking a crack pipe, Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust has finally admitted that the rumors are true.

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine.  But…do I?  Am I an addict?  No,” said the crack addict.

The rumors began last May, when a photo showed Faust in a sweatshirt with her arms around two known drug dealers in JFK Park.   Then, a police operation uncovered a video that seemed to show her smoking a crack pipe.  At that time, Faust answered press inquiries by stating, “I do not use crack cocaine, nor am I an addict of crack cocaine.”

However, in a press conference this Tuesday, the noted Civil War scholar and crack addict changed her tune.  “I will be forever sorry,” she said, and speculated that, although she still cannot actually recall smoking crack, it occurred “probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately a year ago.”

That answer has satisfied many Harvard students.  “At first, I was worried that our $32.7 billion school was being led by a person shackled to her addiction to illegal substances,” said Dunster House sophomore Karen Fleming.  “I’m much more comfortable knowing that it was just debilitating inebriation.”

As of yet, Faust has revealed no inclinations to step down from her office, noting that former Harvard President Larry Summers spent two more years in his post even after it was revealed that he was a douchebag.

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