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Drew Faust Covers Herself in Crude Oil, Slips Past Divest Harvard Protesters

Drew Faust smiled to herself as she came up with her plan. "Your move, Divest," she whispered.

In a successful attempt to get past the Divest Harvard blockade of her office, on Tuesday morning Harvard President Drew G. Faust covered herself in crude oil and ran through the crowd of protesters.

“We tried to stop her, but we couldn’t get a good hold on her,” lamented Divest Harvard co-coordinator Talia Rothstein ’17. “She was just too damn slippery.”

"We didn't even notice her before it was too late," added another protester, who asked to remain anonymous. "She was like a shadow. An oily, oily shadow."

In a statement from inside her office in Massachusetts Hall, Faust explained that she had gotten the idea of lathering herself up with several gallons of crude oil after watching the 2007 P.T. Anderson film There Will Be Blood. “I watched it over and over again, and then it hit me,” she wrote. “If you have oil, you’re invincible. Not because of the money, but because no one can get a good grip on you.”

Divest activists stated that they would not let the administration’s tactic dissuade them from their blockade. “We can still stop them,” declared Rothstein. “For instance, we are planning to stand outside Drew Faust’s window at night to play Neil Young songs at full blast on our stereos. That should work.”

Image credit: Wikimedia/Harvard University

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