CAMBRIDGE, MA — In response to growing pressure from the administration to maximize inclusivity, a daring new initiative has been announced in the Faculty of Arts and Sciences to make section “more intersectional."

“At the FAS office, we understand that section is one of the most exclusive institutions on campus,” said FAS Dean Michael D. Smith. “Most sections even have a TF in the classroom who won’t let you stay unless you’re on their ‘list.’ How is that really different from the Spee? I, for one, see no difference.”

“And listen to that word ‘section,’” Smith went on. “It’s inherently exclusive. You can’t spell ‘dissection’ without ‘section,’ and I don’t know about you but I puked when I had to do that in high school.”

The controversial new intersectionality initiative involves scheduling multiple sections in the same room at the same time, to ensure that students are constantly bombarded with new ideas. “Let’s say you’re in Stat section,” Dean Smith recounted, “and as your TF is going over practice problems, a VES section begins screening a short experimental film about goat farmers in Iceland. As you try to listen to the discussion over the shrieking cries of the goats, the educational value for you has essentially doubled,” he claimed.

Dean Smith also discussed how the program would build upon and improve the General Education program. “Everyone knows that Gen-Ed classes are the ones most people either sleep through or spend scanning the lecture hall for hot people,” said Smith. “But, we thought, most people have to at least pretend to pay attention in section, so why don’t we try and cram it full of as much stuff to pay attention to as possible?”