SEVER 104—After 10 weeks spending his history section playing slither.io and texting impassioned requests for mac and cheese to HUDS, Charles B. Cotton ’19 downloaded the course’s syllabus on Wednesday and learned that participation counted for 10% of his grade.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In response to growing pressure from the administration to maximize inclusivity, a daring new initiative has been announced in the Faculty of Arts and Sciences to make section “more intersectional."

“At the FAS office, we understand that section is one of the most exclusive institutions on campus,” said FAS Dean Michael D. Smith. “Most sections even have a TF in the classroom who won’t let you stay unless you’re on their ‘list.’ How is that really different from the Spee? I, for one, see no difference.”

Cambridge, MA — Glancing up nervously every now and then, area section kid Marc Teller was reportedly attempting to remove a chocolate chip cookie from its stubborn plastic wrapper. “You wouldn’t believe the looks I was getting from the nine other people in my ten-person Tuesdays at 3 SLS20 section. I always get a hankering for something sweet around two or three in the afternoon.

Developers of Particip8, the popular iPhone and Android application for Harvard students who lack an intelligent comment to contribute to section discussion, announced yesterday that its user base had grown to 6655 students—encompassing Harvard’s entire undergraduate population.

Students regularly rely upon Particip8’s suggestions to craft their weekly, absolute bare-minimum, singular incoherent thought that somehow still merits a passing section participation grade.