and entering

Fox News Confirms Majority Of Harvard Students Seem To Have Paid Attention In History Class

Cambridge, MA--- A recent Fox News "Campus Reform" interview of Harvard students confirmed earlier this week that a majority of Harvard students do seem to have paid attention in history class at some point over the course of their lives.

The interview, which sought to determine if Harvard students thought America or ISIS is a greater threat to world peace, revealed unusually nuanced perspectives from students at one of the nation's top colleges, which indicated high levels of international history study and comprehension.  

Sarah Axton, a sophomore at the college, answered, along with all other interviewed students, that America did indeed pose a greater threat to world peace.

"Yes, I mean look at the numbers," said Axton.  "I read on the BBC that ISIS is estimated to have 31,000 voluntary fighters, and conducts military operations in the Syria-Iraq geopolitical area.   But according to these government reports, the United States has over a million active personnel at any given time, and 850,000 reserve personnel on hand, the largest military budget in the world, and conducts military operations on more continents than any other country in the world."

Added Axton: "This is like comparing a rabid feral chipmunk and a well-trained bull.  The bull is always going to pose the greater risk to the china shop."

Another student, Bill Ellis '16, who took one international history course his freshmen year, built off of Axton's argument by pointing out America's checkered history of international activity. 

"I mean yeah, when viewed in the larger global context, it's clear that the United States has been and continues to be liberal in the use of force to destabilize governments for political gain.  While ISIS is particularly repugnant in its use of beheadings to frighten people, the United States has a long track record of using covert and overt force to frighten foreign populations and intimidate international leaders.  Not just in the Middle East, but also in Central America, Eastern Europe, Southern Europe, Africa, all over Asia--"

At which point, Ellis looked up from his notes with quivering eyes: "Dear God.  Who's really the monster here?"

Multiple students also drew on economic backgrounds to justify their responses, citing that America holds economic interests all around the world, and is therefore more likely to use force in 97% of the world than ISIS, simply because the economic interests don't exist for ISIS.

Professor Niall Ferguson, a self-professed "conservative academic," said that any historian "worth his basic bollocks" would know that the "U.S. will always pose a greater threat to world peace than some non-state terrorist entity."  

At press time, Fox News was surveying incoming Harvard freshmen, asking: "What's heavier, a hundred pounds of Obamacare-covered diabetics, or a hundred pounds of aborted 2-week old babies."

© 2014