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Freshman Confident Enough to Masturbate in Room

Pollack has a new sense of time management.

Brian Pollack, a freshman living in Stoughton, announced today that he was lifting his self-imposed ban on masturbating in the room he shares with fellow freshman Eric Johnson. Sources have confirmed that Pollack's newfound self-assurance stems from his improved grasp on Johnson’s habits and class schedule.

"He's always gone between 12:00 and 1:30," Pollack told reporters. "He never misses getting lunch with Karen and those people. Plus, it's Thursday, and I know for a fact he has a three-hour bio lab starting at 2:00, so he'll probably just hang around the quad for a while until then. I'll be completely fine."

At press, Pollack had been interrupted mid-climax by Johnson, who had gotten an earlier lunch due to a morning class being cancelled.



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