and entering

Hammonds Confesses to Dogecoin Heist

such former dean. many apologize. wow

Cambridge—In an announcement that surprised almost no one, Former Dean Evelynn Hammonds confessed to hijacking Harvard’s Odyssey Cluster supercomputer in order to mine the popular cryptocurrency Dogecoin. Hammonds’ confession, published Tuesday in the Crimson, appeared remorseful, with the former Dean expressing her regret for “shaming my fellow shibes” by misusing academic resources.

According to the Crimson piece, Hammonds discovered Dogecoin while perusing the e-mails of tutors affiliated with the Computer Science department “for old time’s sake” and was hooked almost immediately. After converting the entirety of her liquid assets to Doge, Hammonds began searching for ways to help get the currency “to the moon”. To this end, Hammonds applied for time with the Odyssey Cluster—ostensibly to model the intersection of race, gender and medicine in four dimensions—and turned the University’s resources towards her illicit Dogeheist.

Hammonds’ colleagues were quick to condemn her for her actions. “such embarrassing,” sighed Laurence A. Tisch Professor of History and fellow Dogecoin enthusiast Niall Ferguson, “very unamaze. wow.”

Hammonds’ activities produced roughly 14 million Dogecoins ($15,000 USD), which were promptly confiscated by University officials. A spokesperson for President Faust was unable to confirm what Harvard intended to do with the Doge windfall, but noted that it “sure as shit” wasn’t going to be given to the UC.

© 2014