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Harvard Helicopter Moms Protest Against HSA Cleaners

84% of Harvard undergraduates identified these machines as "a type of common space."

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A mass demonstration was held in Harvard Square this weekend by the mothers of Harvard students protesting HSA Cleaners, a student-run organization that offers laundry services to undergraduates at the College. The mothers have announced that they were shocked to hear that their children were not learning how to perform this “basic household task” while away at school.

“It’s just not right!” exclaimed one mother. “I’ve slaved away for 18 years cooking Johnny’s meals, driving him to soccer practice, and especially washing his filthy uniforms. And now you’re telling me he still doesn't know how to wash his own socks? Give me a break!” At this point in the interview, the mother in question angrily polished off her iced venti Starbucks before unsuccessfully attempting basic yoga poses to calm herself down.

Other mothers were worried that HSA Cleaners was undermining the power of “nagging,” a time-tested parenting method that 97.8% of mothers in the nation have admitted to using to get their children to obey their wishes. “I constantly told Ricky he had to learn to do his laundry, because once he got to college, no one would be there to do it for him,” professed Betty Smith, mother since ’94. “Now that this isn’t true, what else will he think I was lying about? Will he stop making his bed? Buying groceries? Applying for jobs? Or does Harvard have some office that writes students’ resumés for them, too?” Representatives from the Office of Career Services have declined to address this question.

At press time, Faust stated that the College is not planning on shutting down the laundry service, declaring that the school would never consider “divesting one of our valuable student-run organizations.”

© 2016