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“How’re We Gonna Make More People, Then?!”: U.S. Baby Formula Shortage Alarms Scientists

A bald man wearing a white coat, gloves, and goggles is standing in a dark lab and holding up a glowing green erlenmeyer flask

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As the United States continues to grapple with a shortage of baby formula, a team of the nation’s top scientists are racking their brains to identify an alternative means of creating new children.

“If we don’t have the baby formula, how are we supposed to make new babies? That others in the scientific community aren’t raising the alarm over this formula shortage is almost as shocking as the shortage itself,” said Robert Grohmann, director of the MIT Synthetic Biology Center. 

Harvard Helicopter Moms Protest Against HSA Cleaners

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A mass demonstration was held in Harvard Square this weekend by the mothers of Harvard students protesting HSA Cleaners, a student-run organization that offers laundry services to undergraduates at the College. The mothers have announced that they were shocked to hear that their children were not learning how to perform this “basic household task” while away at school.