NEW YORK – Harry Talenschmidt who, as a junior in high school, founded and led the popular World Wide Whale project, has just attended his ninth consulting event during his junior year in college.

The World Wide Whale project took the activism scene by storm as an international awareness project to protect endangered whales “where the world has given them the flipper.” Talenschmidt first got involved with conservation after saving an orca trapped in a fishing net off the coast of Washington state using only his bare hands and a pocket knife. He subsequently named the killer whale “Marcia,” and the two epitomized the successful interspecies friendship, visiting each other in the Puget Sound nearly every day.

We asked if he had reunited with Marcia after returning from college.

"I'm sorry, there have been so many biddies," Talenschmidt answered. “Who?”

Earlier today, Talenschmidt attended a networking lunch hosted by Boston Consulting Group. Droves of students are attracted to consulting as a career due to the promise of intellectual stimulation and a high-end lifestyle.

“And the blowjobs,” he added, fist-bumping a nearby peer.

Back in 2010, the World Wide Whale campaign received international attention, its Facebook page garnering more than 20,000 likes. Talenschmidt was even invited to the White House to meet with then-admired President Obama.

“They need someone to defend them. A voice that can communicate in a frequency within the range of human hearing,” a spry and optimistic Talenschmidt was quoted in a school newspaper.

When asked if he would continue his work in whale conservation, he had this to say:

“It’s all about costs and benefits. Do I spend the rest of my life as a poor, dirty hippie? Convincing all these selfish, Honey Boo Boo-watching sacks that they should care about an over-sized fish? Or do I sit back and let my talents, capitalism and habitat destruction run their course?” he asked, tapping his cigar over an unoffending New York City pigeon.

Many students experience similar symptoms; their common app college essays describing only the shell of their former, fuck-giving selves. Experts are calling it the “aid-and-switch.”

We asked Talenschmidt what he was most looking forward to in his future.

“Were you not listening to the part about my dick getting sucked?”

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