and entering

INTERVIEW: Leverett Dining Hall Crumb Accepts Fate Upon Nighttime Dining Hall Restrictions

A crumb
"I just can't believe they'd do this to me."

LEVERETT HOUSE - With mostly uncontroversial new late night restrictions put in place for the Leverett Dining Hall, intending to allow dining hall staff time to keep the space clean against the heavy frequency of office hours and study groups, not all members of the community are happy about the restriction. We put our ears to the ground for a "pulse" from a longtime resident: 

“I’ve been playing hide-n’-seek under this table for three freakin’ years, and my buddies working on STAT 111 - what’s up, Todd! Watch the foot! - never seemed to mind. But now change is a-comin', I understand, and I’ll probably get swept up with the rest of those poor, witless bastards who never lasted a night out here.”

The Big Cheese, as he is called with reverence in pest circles, most of whom he has outlasted by many lifetimes, explained that the moniker hardly reflects his makeup. “One day back in 2017 I’m sittin’ in a big Marshmallow Matey - the boring bits, you know - and waiting to leave the chute. It’s 3 AM, and this fella stumbles over, eyes all veiny and red, and pours us into his coffee cup. It’s empty, yeah.”

“He’s shovin’ us into his mouth, and then he dusts me off his pant leg and I fall to the ground - smack! I don’t have that fancy bipedalism, or any pedalism, of yours, so I just kind of laid on my back, waiting for death. But three years have gone by now, and dammit if I thought it was gonna be like this forever! Had a good run, sure did.”

“Oh, by the way, I guess you could say I’m off-cycle Class of 2021. Basically a - what’s it -  applied math concentrator at this point. Yeah. Think that’ll impress the other schmucks in the trash can.”

He braced for release as a dining hall staff member’s broom strafed narrowly past his spot.

At press time, Cheese ‘21 could be found lying fearfully prone and/or dancing a nihilistic jig. Eyewitnesses were undecided.

© 2020