and entering

Israel Demolishes Wigglesworth

Residents of Wigglesworth were shocked to discover that these notices were serious.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- The government of Israel yesterday demolished the freshman dormitory Wigglesworth, three days after eviction notices appeared on the doors of various suites within the building. Sources within the Israeli government suggest that there are plans to build a new settlement on the site, replete with solar panels, underground shopping centres, and an adult entertainment facility they plan to call Gaza Striptease.

Israeli officials have justified this sudden move by declaring that Harvard Yard is legitimately part of the Jewish Holy Land, that they are merely asserting their rightful territorial claims, and that residents of Wigglesworth were given prior warning. Many students, however, claim that they had thought the eviction notices “were meant to be a joke,” and were thus unprepared for the demolition. Abe Liu (‘15/’16/’17/etc.), who lived on the sofa in Wigglesworth basement, exclaimed, “We thought it was just the Palestine Solidarity Committee trying to get publicity for their event. We didn’t actually believe Israel was planning to demolish our homes and seize the land that is rightfully ours. I was trying and failing to get swipe access into Annenberg last night, and when I came back, I saw these bulldozers had flattened my home.” Sounding distressed, he added, “Where will I go now? All the other dorms have banned me from entering. I might have to go and live in the Quad!”, at which point he burst into tears.

The former Israeli foreign minister, Avigdor Liebermann, has dismissed such concerns, telling SatireV correspondents, “Don’t they get it? We’ve demolished 25,000 Palestinian houses, bombarded southern Lebanon, and repeatedly ravaged Gaza, so they should know that when we say we want to flatten something, we tend to mean business.”

The Palestine Solidarity Committee (PSC), who are currently being blockaded by Israel in the Lamont Forum Room, have denounced Israel’s recent actions, and have appealed to the Harvard authorities to take action against what they claim is just another sequence in the country’s pattern of violating international law. President Faust, however, does not recognise the PSC and has refused to negotiate. 

© 2013