CAMBRIDGE, MA -- According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped beneath the Fallen Angels after their annual concert last night in Sanders Theatre.
“Dear members of the Harvard community,” reads the email, which was sent over the campus-notify email list, “While marveling at the immense beauty of Sanders Theatre, in total awe of its sublime stage and all who have sat upon its hallowed benches, I stumbled upon the anniversary concert of the Fallen Angels all female acapella organization. In my curiosity, I ventured too close to the gently swaying and perfectly pitched group of young women, whereupon I tripped and fell beneath their feet.”
Lapp, who supervises the financial, administrative, human resources, campus services, planning and project management, development in Allston, health services, information technology, and diversity functions of the University, repeatedly called out for help to assorted acapella singers, students, and parents who were attending the concert in rapture. However, none of them heard her calls, due to the volume of the well-rehearsed women singing on key and softly snapping their fingers to the beat. She managed to successfully send out the email from her phone right before she heard a mysterious crack as the floorboards gave way beneath her.
“It appears as though the Angels are singing at precisely the resonant frequency of the polished wooden floor, causing it to shatter like glass” she wrote, adding that she thought she saw a dark abyss open beneath her as the souls of the damned cried out in terror. “We will continue to closely monitor the situation. Updates will also be posted to the Harvard Emergency page and 866-496-NEWS.” The message was promptly sent again by the FAS Emergency Notification System and forwarded by Leslie Kirwan, Dean for Administration and Finance at the Faculty of Arts and Sciences; three House Deans at the College; several dozen other administrators; and a handful of demonic spirits.
Harvard authorities met with local priests to discuss the missing administrator. Currently, Harvard Campus Services personnel and members of the Divinity School are inspecting the premises around the theatre, using Ouija boards and tarot cards in the hopes that they will reach Lapp.
