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New SAT Format Just Straight Up Asks How Much Money Your Parents Have

Coming Soon: an ACT that just straight up asks if you've been to Gstaad!

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In an unprecedented cooperative front, the College Board has officially paired with the Harvard University Admissions Office to announce a new holistic SAT format with only one question, “If your parents’ income was represented in miles, how many miles do your parents make per year?”

This partnership appears to address some of the major concerns identified in the admissions lawsuit against Harvard.

Administrative officials elucidated, “The plaintiff clearly doesn’t understand ‘academic achievement’. The joint team has shown that there’s is no correlation between GPA/SAT scores and how much money we can squeeze out of your parents. Instead, this new test truly aligns with ‘veritas values’. We want students who can help us academically achieve a $50 billion endowment.”

Test Content developers discussed various factors considered during the reformat process, “We found there to be a problem. No matter how hard we tried, low income students were finding ways of overcoming institutional barriers to academic success and actually outperforming our cash cow... other students.” SAT officials believe they’ll finally be able to weed out applicants from what they’ve labeled as “donationally challenged” families.

The College Board is also looking into reformatting SAT subject tests, with Italian Language questions such as, “During your seasonal trip to Italy how did your family travel?” Students would be able to respond in one of two ways: “(A) The private jet was out for repairs, so we had to take the family zeppelin.” or “(B) We rode the bus to our local Olive Garden.”

At press time Harvard President Bacow was quick to clarify issues of discrimination: “This isn’t a matter of favoring the rich or 1%. I’m not classist, some of my closest peers only have two cameras on their iPhone 11.”
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