CAMBRIDGE, MA – Last week, asbestos found in the building materials of Winthrop House raised concerns about the safety of those unfortunate enough to still live there. Ever dedicated to serious investigative journalism, SatireV sent in a team to discover what other potential safety hazards were lurking in the walls and ceilings. That team never returned. We sent in a second team, because our regard for human life does not exceed our ravenous need for dirt (figurative and literal). This time they had more success. Still, many interns died to bring us this information.* As our journalistic duty we present here a list of other things you would find in Winthrop House walls and ceilings:
- Bricks
- A boulder
- Dust bunnies
- Dust jackalopes
- Dust moose
- A dust Cthulu
- Cyanide
- That sock you lost like, 2 years ago
- Asbestos, but a different kind somehow
- A very upset pigeon
- A thick forest of poison ivy
- The interdimensional being that had been trying to communicate to you through the radiator, thinking they had received the go-ahead when you shouted, “OH YEAH?! WELL I CAN BE LOUD TOO!! CRLAAANKRRITCHTT PUTHUNK PUTHUNK TANG PING SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE,” now haphazardly teleported between crossbeams
- The same boulder again
- An entire dinnerware set from Cabot dining hall
- Executive Vice President Katie Lapp
- Your diary from when you were 15
- More bricks. To be honest it’s mostly bricks
- The fossils of a velociraptor … but the skull is badly crushed
- Seasons 1-5 of That’s So Raven. You know they only made four seasons, yet there it is
- A treasure chest filled with black pearls
- The crumbling remains of cockroach empire risen and fallen in days of yore, with mysterious texts written in an indecipherable language and (relatively) massive reliefs of legendary battles, bloodthirsty gods, and glorious rituals. You think you see what looks like the image of former Dean of the College Evelynn Hammonds on some sort of throne…
- Old books!
- Some jewelry
- Your death certificate
- Some sort of viscous blue glowing liquid. You have a strange desire to taste it, but you know you shouldn’t
- A incredibly detailed replica of the entire campus, room for room, at 1:1000 scale
- A pair of glowing eyes, watching you, following you, red like burning embers. Always near, yet far enough that you do not know to what they are attached. They bore into you, like nothing is safe when they are there, but even less so when they disappear. They know who you are. They know why you’re here. They will not leave you. You must leave them, but you question if that is even possible anymore.
- Pretty sure that boulder is following you too
- Lipstick
- Anthrax
- Some gas masks
- Some sort of lump of—oh god. Oh my GOD, is that—? It is. It definitely is. Holy SHIT. I mean you knew you weren’t the first one they sent in here, but … and you can’t even remember her name?! Fuck, what was it?! Agh she only joined after the comp last semester you’ve hardly had time to get to know her it’s not your fault SatireV is growing pretty fast HELEN. Her name is Helen. Helen. HELEN. Oh god it feels awful to say it aloud now. She’s there I mean she’s right there. Should you check for a pulse or something? No, no, it’s surely too late now. You have to save yourself. But you can’t just leave her here FUCK why did you have to remember her name and make this so much harder oh god the eyes, they’re closer than before now. Ok sorry Helen it’s time to leave RIGHT NOW I’m sorry I’m doing this for JOURNALISM holy—is that the boulder blocking my path? It doesn’t matter no time to think just DO just go GO GO! MOVE! Go go go move move move don’t look back do NOT look back there! You think you see light! You’re almost free! If you had only known the horrors you would find in the bowels of Winthrop, you would never have come. And yet, you have a sinking feeling there is one more thing you will find before this hell is over …
- Aww, a little bird’s nest!
*To the families of Gregory, Linda, Travis, Pomona, Reba, Wendy, Lila, Horatio, Catherine, Kathryn, Kat, Catie, Katarina, Katrina, Kaitlin, Caitlyn, Kate, and Helen, we send our sincerest apologies. They were good interns.
Image source: Aapo Haapanen/Flickr
