As the leadership of the Harvard Undergraduate Council prepares for its semesterly meeting with University President Drew Gilpin Faust, the Office of the President confirmed that Faust will "beat UC ass." 

Speaking through a plastic mouthguard, President Faust reminded students that "you are exshpendable, little piecshes of shit.  Shuckle at my teat, vermin."  

 Faust, who is responsible for overseeing the Harvard Corporation, has a long record of negotiating with student leaders, most notably breaking over half of the bones in Jen Zhu's face last semester.

We attempted to reach Jen Zhu for comment, but only found a copy of Faust's most recent book - This Republic of Suffering: Death and the American Civil War - with its spine broken in three places.

Said current UC President Gus Mayopoulos: "My name is Sietse Kieren Goffard, and I am the UC President."