1. “You deserve a refund. Student organizations deserve increased, timely funding. We all deserve a new, effective student association that works for us.”

A) UC Email

B) Chancellor Palpatine

Answer: The entitled repetition of “deserve” should be a dead giveaway that this was written by a Harvard student!

2. “In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire for a safe and secure society.”

A) UC Email

We are so excited to announce the winner of the UC Presidential Election: Jess & PusFace! Thank you to all who voted, and we look forward to the much-needed change these two will bring to our campus.

1. Wasted Funds. Reallocate the $200 student activities fee from all undergraduate students to cover PusFace's intensive medical care. 

2. Community & Immunity. Create a Multi-Coagulate Center for the mingling of biles to boost campus immunity.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Just hours before the polls closed for the 2017 UC Presidential election, things took a supernatural turn when outsider candidates Conor Healy '19 and Parth Thakker '19 stood up simultaneously and, with booming voices that seemed to emanate from the heavens, commanded Harvard’s final clubs to “go forth, multiply, and replenish the campus.”

The UC presidential election is in full swing, but not every important issue is being addressed. Satire V has compiled a definitive list of 16 issues that no UC candidate is talking about:

1) The female orgasm

2) How to get a new napkin out of the dispenser when it’s really filled to the brim

3) Why Jessica won’t answer my calls

4) Why you park on a driveway but drive on a parkway

5) The fact that Courage the Cowardly Dog (1999-2002) was basically Saw for children

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Donald J. Trump was elected president of the Undergraduate Council on Friday in a stunning culmination of an explosive, populist and polarizing campaign that took relentless aim at the institutions and long-held ideals of Harvard College student government.

The surprise outcome, defying late polls that showed rival Hillary Clinton with a modest but persistent edge, threatened convulsions throughout campus and indeed the nation, where skeptics had watched with alarm as Mr. Trump’s unvarnished overtures to disillusioned students took hold.

CAMBRIDGE, MA— Thespians representing the Harvard-Radcliffe Dramatic Club voted yesterday to limit the number of productions that UC officials are eligible to attend. Titled the “Open Theatre Ticket Ordinance of 2016”, the group decided that this was “the only way” to provide drama to the broader non-UC community at Harvard.

Cambridge, MA—In a revelation that has rocked the Harvard community, the Undergraduate Council’s election committee has unearthed a $75 donation from Charles and David Koch to the campaign of Happy Yang and Faith Jackson. Analysts suspect that the secret donation, a sum that surpasses the regulated $50 limit by a whopping 50 percent, was in exchange for an oil and natural gas-friendly platform. 

In his revolutionary one-paragraph candidacy statement released earlier this week, Undergraduate Council (UC) Freshman Representative candidate from Elm Yard, Tim Peterson, has unveiled a plan for the development of Scotland if the region votes to become an independent country.

Following a disappointing meeting last week with University President Drew Faust regarding a $250,000 increase in funding for student organizations, a spiritually disillusioned President Gus Mayopoulos has allegedly found renewed hope for humanity and Harvard in the teachings of The Church of the Helix.

Mayopoulos—who has been watching the online social experiment “Twitch Plays Pokémon” twenty-six hours a day since discovering The Stream—surprised friends and constituents alike with his quick turnaround from existential malaise into transcendent bliss.