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Prick Lowell Resident Accuses HoCo of Underinflating Super Bowl Party Balloons

Lowell resident and resident prick Stephen Dugey ’15 issued claims this afternoon that HoCo had purposefully underinflated the Seahawks–themed balloons at its super bowl party in the JCR, sparking a debate as to the unbiased nature of the House Committee.

“The Patriots colors flew high to the ceiling while the Seahawks balloons noticeably sagged a bit,” said Dugey, between occasional, annoying comments that interrupted both the game and the funny commercials. “I could feel my pride in the Seahawks deflating at the same time,” he added, pleased with his cleverness.

Dugey suggested penalties on Lowell’s HoCo, including a fine and a loss of future officer picks.

“The difference in inflation can be explained by the atmosphere,” said Lowell HoCo chair Linda Fishgold, an English concentrator. “Since more people in the House are Patriots fans, they create a Patriots-friendly atmosphere. That, in turn, puts pressure on the Seahawks balloons to deflate.”

When asked for comment on the HoCo incident, Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch went on a long and elegant speech about how sporting events, especially in the communal House system, should unite people through their inherent divisions, rather than splitting them further apart.

“I like Skittles,” Lynch added.

© 2015