After an offensive bleatdown at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, Tom Brady has lost his GOAT status in the minds of many football insiders.

“Yes, he’s defeated a real hooves-who of great teams,” ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith said on Around the Horn. “But it’s udderly absurd and ludicrously e-goat-istical for Patriots fans to claim that Tom Brady is undeniably the GOAT when he can’t even bleat the Eagles without their starting quarterback. That’s one of the most blasphemous things I’ve ever herd. I love you, Brady, but it's clear you're officially pasture prime.”

MINNEAPOLIS – According to a joint study by the Pew Research Center and Sports Illustrated, a majority of Americans who consider themselves NFL fans will be rooting for halftime performer Justin Timberlake in Super Bowl LII.

“At first we were surprised by the findings,” said Pew VP of Research Claudia Deane. “But when we took a quick poll around the office, well, it seems the hatred for both of these franchises is overhwlemingly palpable, and Justin Timberlake is a beloved pop icon.”

Members of the Denver Broncos appeared in a press conference on Sunday evening following their Super Bowl 50 win to express their gratitude to everyone who had supported them until now on their path to the victory and a future diagnosis of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA – This Sunday, 32-year-old Michael Alton has cold beer, chips and dip, and all his credit cards at the ready, prepared for the greatest television event of the year. “I wait all year for this advertisement marathon is the best!” he said. "It's nice to gather ‘round the TV with friends and debate whether or not we’d buy that car, or eat at that restaurant chain.” As for the football game that sometimes interrupts the exciting Doritos and Coca-Cola commercials, Alton remains confused. 

Lowell resident and resident prick Stephen Dugey ’15 issued claims this afternoon that HoCo had purposefully underinflated the Seahawks–themed balloons at its super bowl party in the JCR, sparking a debate as to the unbiased nature of the House Committee.

“The Patriots colors flew high to the ceiling while the Seahawks balloons noticeably sagged a bit,” said Dugey, between occasional, annoying comments that interrupted both the game and the funny commercials. “I could feel my pride in the Seahawks deflating at the same time,” he added, pleased with his cleverness.

PITTSBURGH—Soon after the big game had ended and his only two friends had departed, John Rackly, 44, returned to his lonely and depressing life. Moments earlier, Rackly could be seen standing on his porch, waving his friends goodbye. “Bye Tom! Bye Phil!” he was reported calling as they drove into the night, his smile fading with the evening.