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Report: Quincy Residents Make Up Nearly A Third of Fucking Nerds

In the past 10 years, more Quincy residents have been dweebs than double the next highest number of dweebs from a single house.

Earlier this year, Quincy House tutor Adam M. Quincifeld heard something strange. A former tutor pointed out that Harvard had been churning out dweebs, dorks, and pointdexters for centuries, but the House had produced total fucking nerds almost every year for the past decade — a number that dwarfed other houses’ totals by a mile. (Not that any Quincy residents have run one, of course.)

Quincifeld and his colleagues asked the Office of Undergraduate Research and Fellowships for the data, which confirmed that inside its visually offensive brutalist buildings, the House is a prodigious breeding ground for Steve Urkels.

Quincy’s success can be explained by its House programming, which includes weekly speed reads of Jean-Jacque Rousseau's Confessions and daily quantum physics Quizbowl. Every evening before dinner, a robed scribe leads a House-wide reenactment of the Scripps Spelling Bee that culminates in a rousing chant of “Arachibutyrophobia.” 

That doesn’t mean Quincy residents are all work, and no play. Quincy’s vibrant social life involves sharing Pottermore results via Facebook (87-percent of residents are Ravenclaws), reliving their victories from the 2015 National Forensics League debate tournament, and giving each other wedgies in the Stone Hall bathrooms to prepare for neighborhood bullies from Kirkland.

Responding to complaints of unequal resources across Houses, the Leverett faculty deans reassured their House that “you too, can be an incorrigible loser.”

Image Credit: The Crimson


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