CAMBRIDGE, MA — Citing the increased warmth in the pool since a few minutes ago, many Harvard presidential contenders claim someone urinated in the candidate pool.

 

“I swear it is really warm in this one spot right over there,” said Government professor and shortlisted presidential candidate Danielle Allen, pointing to an area near the pool ladder. “It's my expert opinion that someone must have peed.” 

 

Other presidential candidates agreed with her. “I’m pretty sure someone did a number one in the pool, yeah,” choked Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences Michael Smith as he struggled to keep his head above water. “But it wasn’t me. I took a leak before I got in the pool, so I don’t even have to go.”

 

This report comes as no surprise to many who have noted that the general atmosphere of tension has increased as the candidate pool has narrowed. Several candidates have complained about how pruny their toes are, and others have claimed that Business School Dean Nitin Nohria has been hogging the boogie board. “Mike [Smith] hit me in the head with a pool noodle,” complained University Provost Alan Garber, ’76. “He said he didn’t mean to do it, but it still really hurt. And he didn’t even say sorry after.”

 

When asked about the alleged micturition, Garber responded with surprise. “Oh, did someone pee in the pool?” he inquired with shock. “I don’t think anyone would do that! That would be totally gross! No, I’m sure it’s just warm over there because it’s near the heater.”

 

At press time, the presidential hopefuls had to vacate the pool, as current President Drew Faust wanted to do laps.