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Alan Garber

Report: Someone Peed in Harvard Presidential Candidate Pool

A man pees in the "Harvard presidential candidate pool."
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Citing the increased warmth in the pool since a few minutes ago, many Harvard presidential contenders claim someone urinated in the candidate pool.
 
“I swear it is really warm in this one spot right over there,” said Government professor and shortlisted presidential candidate Danielle Allen, pointing to an area near the pool ladder. “It's my expert opinion that someone must have peed.” 
 

Administrators to Deny Leadership Positions to Students Who Unionize

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a precedented move by the administration, Harvard Provost Alan Garber announced that sanctions will be placed on all students who decide to unionize. “Although the student unions are not formally recognized by the College, they play an unmistakable and growing role in student life, in many cases enacting forms of privilege and exclusion at odds with our deepest values,” Garber announced. “This country was built on free enterprise, and the dangerous precedent set by the recent HUDS strike has given some students the wrong idea about the rights they have.”