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Resource Efficiency Program Installs Turbines Run on Pent Up Sexual Energy

Wind turbines powered by sexual energy.
Powered by the sexual energy of a thousand suns.
Last month, in a quest to generate clean energy, the Resource Efficiency Program set up turbines run entirely on surplus sexual energy. A tremendous success, the project powers not only all of Harvard University, but the entire Boston metropolitan area.
Sarah Walsh, a physics concentrator in Winthrop responsible for most of Somerville’s electricity, supports the project. “Whenever I see that long-haired, Australian, heavyweight rower who has a girlfriend, I feel proud knowing that because of me, streetlights shine a little brighter,” Walsh said.
Some students, like Jonathan Dey, a history concentrator in Adams, have claimed the technology has benefitted their self-esteem. “I have no shame anymore when I send that 2am ‘u up?’ text, because now I know that when I receive that “go fuck urself” response, I’m making the world a greener place,” said Dey.
The originator of the project, Dean Rakesh Khurana, came up with the idea upon finally seeing a party in the Aquarium. “The music was garbage techno and the drinks were mostly ice, so I surmised there was something else driving attendance,” he stated, “It was sexual energy stronger than a thousand suns.”
Jacob Goldstein, a chemistry concentrator in Cabot in a long-distance relationship with his high school girlfriend, is also a fan of the turbines. “It’s cool that I’m running washing machines and charging cell phones as we speak,” Jacob stated. The university, in response to the incredible consistency of Jacob’s contribution, has sold its emergency generator and designated Jacob an official hurricane precaution.
When asked for his thoughts, president of the Harvard College Anscombe Society Jack Ableman burst into horny flames. Prior to his combustion, Ableman was the leading contributor to the project.
Though the turbines are mostly reliable, brief outages are anticipated during Harvard-Yale weekend.
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