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In Response to University Sanctions, Mumps to Infect Everyone This Time

Women who have been punched by the Fly are looking forward to suffering from the infectious disease.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- The mumps virus, which drew widespread criticism last spring for primarily infecting members of all-male final clubs, has announced that, in accordance with university sanctions on Single-Gender Social Organizations, it will infect all Harvard students regardless of affiliation during the current outbreak.

"Harvard has forced our ribonucleocapsid," the virus wrote in an open letter to its graduate board. "The very real fear that our virus might not be able to infect extracurricular groups, or could be prevented from spreading to Oxford and Cambridge for graduate school, is enough to convince us that this is a genuine concern. From here on out, all Harvard undergraduates will be eligible to enter our 'open-infection,' regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or economic background."

A visibly-swollen Dean of the College Rakesh Khurana hailed the move as a triumph for equality, announcing, "I am so proud of the virus for taking this step. At last, women, students of color, and even those who are not recruited athletes will have equal access to extreme soreness and swollen salivary glands."

In order to prepare the Inn for quarantining, UHS staffers have now begun reassigning Winthrop sophomores to Somerville.

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