CAMBRIDGE, MA -- The mumps virus, which drew widespread criticism last spring for primarily infecting members of all-male final clubs, has announced that, in accordance with university sanctions on Single-Gender Social Organizations, it will infect all Harvard students regardless of affiliation during the current outbreak.

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

The health and safety of all members of the Harvard community is a top priority for everyone at Harvard University Health Services (HUHS). For that reason, I am compelled to ask you: which one of you fuckers isn't washing your hands? Like, what the hell guys? Didn't we get it through your thick skulls last year? YOU HAVE TO WASH YOUR HANDS. OTHERWISE YOU WILL CATCH MUMPS AND DIE!