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Scientists: “Delphic Ecosystem Unsustainable”

A club member muses over the Delphic's future.

Cambridge, MA - Scientists at the Harvard School of Engineering and Applied Sciences announced Monday that the “fragile sexual ecosystem” of the Delphic final club may be on the verge of collapse, citing overuse of the popular mixer and knockout-drug Rohypnol.

 Harold Yun, lead researcher on the Delphic ecosystem, was kind enough to grant us a brief interview at his research headquarters in the Science Center:

 “Let me put this into perspective,” said Yun as he stirred his coffee. “Doctors have been over-prescribing antibiotics for years, and now many strains of bacteria are simply nonresponsive to these antibiotics, which is a major concern for hospitals which are now dealing with these bacteria that have survived years and years of antibiotic over-use.

 “We are seeing, disturbingly, a very similar pattern emerging in the Delphic, as years of heavy Rohypnol usage, both in shots and mixed drinks, are beginning to show their effects.  Five years from now, Rohypnol may have only the slightest effect on the majority of drunk sorority girls who frequent the Delphic.”

 Yun took a sip of his coffee, obviously distraught over the consequences for the Delphic ecosystem if his hypothesis is correct.

 “Honestly, this is a bigger deal than the collapse of the Great Barrier Reef.  It’s difficult to imagine a world in which the Delphic members will be able to procreate without this chemical assistance.  We may be witnessing the last generation of a species. A beautiful, majestic, entitled species.”

 Robert (Rob) Myers, a member of the Delphic, confirmed that the new Rohypnol-resistant strains of sorority girls are making the mating process more difficult at the Delphic.

 “It’s getting to the point where it’s easier just to just flirt with them,” Myers confirmed, adding, “I am starting to see why guys take the time to develop social skills – it might just get you laid!”

 While some Delphic members, such as Myers, are showing the ability to adapt to their new environment, only time will tell if the wonders of the Delphic will be around for our children to enjoy.

 Yun is not optimistic.  “Plain and simple, the Delphic ecosystem is unsustainable.  Delphic members are going to have to make a hard choice: scale back on the Rohypnol, or be ready to give up their place as the top predators in this environment.” 


© 2012