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What Really Happened on the Bus Ride to the Delphic Punch Outing

The person who submitted this has asked to remain anonymous.

Hark, Neophyte! The Fates Sing Fortune and the Lust of Women!

Matt Damon

by The Oracle of Delphic

Sing, Fates! Sing what will become of those most esteemed members of the Delphic! 

The gods on Olympus have blessed our club with the all the will of Zeus himself, that most high and hallowed king before which even the board of the Harvard Financial Analysts Club must kneel. Fortune beyond compare, even to all the gold in the wondrous halls of Crete, is theirs for the taking for those sophomores who do not take issue with using an atmosphere of exclusivity to attract unsuspecting women.  

Delphic Comes Forward With Books on Books of Scouting Reports

Cambridge, MA--Though the controversy surrounding the men's soccer and cross-country teams has faded, the Delphic Club has reignited the issue by revealing that they have produced a veritable library's worth of material commenting on women's physical appearances.

Delphic Worried It No Longer Most Disliked Final Club

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following the Porcellian Club’s public statement against coed final clubs, the membership of the Delphic Club are now worrying that their status as Harvard’s least likable final club, long accepted and a point of pride for the organization, may be in doubt.

Delphic Club will close indefinitely rather than integrate

In a surprise to many the Delphic Club announced Friday that it would close indefinitely rather than be forced to accept a co-ed class of punches.  Standing in a seersucker suit outside the Delphic clubhouse, Grad Board President Harry F. Byrd Sr. ’52 expounded on his new policy of “Massive Resistance.” Byrd explained that the Delphic had a “storied legacy from J.P.

Scientists: “Delphic Ecosystem Unsustainable”

Cambridge, MA - Scientists at the Harvard School of Engineering and Applied Sciences announced Monday that the “fragile sexual ecosystem” of the Delphic final club may be on the verge of collapse, citing overuse of the popular mixer and knockout-drug Rohypnol.

 Harold Yun, lead researcher on the Delphic ecosystem, was kind enough to grant us a brief interview at his research headquarters in the Science Center: