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Spare Change Newspaper Vendor Named Dean of Pleasant E-mails

The College has yet to find a new Dean of Melodious Harp Accompaniment.

Cambridge, MA—“Young ladies, young men,” began the first message from the newly appointed Dean of Pleasant E-mails. Spare Change Newspaper vendor Gregory Daugherty—a longtime fixture of Harvard Square—was elected unanimously to be the inaugural holder of the position.  “Would you like to read the Dean’s weekly e-mail today?” the message continued, “Don’t be shy. Young man. Young lady.”

 “The students have just loved Donald [Pfister]’s e-mails,” remarked Provost Alan Garber, “but Rakesh [Khurana] just doesn’t have the same pizazz. We needed to continue Pfister’s legacy somehow, and this new Deanship was the perfect way to do it.”

“Obviously Pfister was our first choice,” President Faust noted quickly after Garber’s comments, “but he insisted that he, like Cincinnatus before him, had tasted enough power for a lifetime. Donald declined consideration so that he could spend more time with the Dryads that call the Harvard Arboretum home.”

Incoming Dean Dougherty briefly interrupted Faust’s statement to thank her with a cheerful “Hello young lady,” before turning to the other deans and allowing her to continue. “Young man. Young lady,” he went on, making his way through the crowd of well-wishers and reporters.

Despite a warm welcome from the administration, Dougherty’s appointment has not come without some controversy. Avid readers of Spare Change fear that the paper’s executives might decline to find a replacement for their Au Bon Pain vendor in order to focus on more lucrative opportunities elsewhere. “If Spare Change wants to build subscribers they’ll obviously focus on an Allston expansion,” one distressed Adams sophomore noted, “but I don’t know where I’ll get my news anymore.”

As of press time, Dean Dougherty had begun distributing paper copies of his weekly e-mail from his regular corner, accompanied by the new head of the Music Department: Professor World Band.

© 2014