and entering

Student Caught Shoplifting Classes

Hopper managed to conceal the entire class for much longer than he had anticipated.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Amidst the crowds and craziness of the first week of classes, Trevor Hopper '19 was arrested by Harvard University Police Department for shoplifting ENGLISH 90LV: Consciousness from Austen to Woolf.

Hopper initially aroused the suspicion of the Barker Center security guard after he tried to slink out the front door with Room 114 peeking out seventy feet behind him from beneath his left jacket flap, leaving a trail of flattened and dumbfounded students in his wake.

One passerby was also alerted to something amiss after hearing muffled cries for help coming from Hopper's right front pocket, from which Professor James Wood was eventually recovered.

When confronted by police, Hopper threateningly brandished a sharp pencil. Eyewitness accounts also indicate Hopper was carrying an unlicensed semi-automatic syllabus.

After patting him down, police found Hopper had also stashed two-thirds of Ec1010b in his backpack.

As one Economics concentrator, emerging from the musty darkness of Hopper’s Herschel Supply Co. Retreat backpack, told Satire V, "I was just in the back row, flipping through 'Case in Point,' surfing Crimson Careers, and siphoning money from my grandmother's bank account, when suddenly everything went dark and I was surrounded by a gray polyester raven crosshatch.”

Though the court date is not yet set, if convicted, Hopper could face a fine of up to three Gen Ed credits and be sentenced to a maximum of six months in Mather House.

© 2017