CAMBRIDGE, MA — Amidst the crowds and craziness of the first week of classes, Trevor Hopper '19 was arrested by Harvard University Police Department for shoplifting ENGLISH 90LV: Consciousness from Austen to Woolf.

Hopper initially aroused the suspicion of the Barker Center security guard after he tried to slink out the front door with Room 114 peeking out seventy feet behind him from beneath his left jacket flap, leaving a trail of flattened and dumbfounded students in his wake.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Ignoring advice from his PAF and academic adviser, Kendrick Murphy ’20 reportedly enrolled in five friendships when completing his study card on Friday.

“Shopping week was crazy. I had to leave an 11 am lunch date fifteen minutes in to make it to a lifting sesh with Chad Brockington,” remarked Murphy. “It was hard for me to narrow my list down to just five after shopping fifteen people.”

I Hate Shopping Period

-The first time, you have no idea what you’re doing.

-Lots of iPads.

-Close attention to course evaluations.

-Awkward eye contact with that kid from freshmen year.

-The word gentle is used to describe curves.

-Mom calls repeatedly to see how it’s going.

-Lots of blood.

I Hate Period Shopping

-The first time, you have no idea what you’re doing.

-Lots of pads.

-Close attention to course of ovulations. 

-Awkward eye contact with the cashier.

Of the following courses, some have been offered by the VES department; others are the invention of Satire V. Think you can spot the difference? Answers at the end.