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UHS Distributes Cold Kits To Students Bleeding From Pores

HUHS's walk-in pharmacy, ground zero for the University's fight against Ebola. May God have mercy on our souls.

In the wake of reports of Ebola in American cities, Harvard University Health Services has "stepped up its game in the fight against Ebola." 

According to UHS Chief Dr. Paul Barreira, UHS is now actively offering free Cold Kits to any students who report "soreness, congested sinuses, or bleeding from multiple orifices."

According to Barreira, the Cold Kits are meant to help provide a "first line of defense" against Ebola, a virus that "can really hamper both academic and extracurricular performance."

While UHS has gone to great lengths to secure hundreds of Cold Kits, all of which contain Advil, Halls Cough Drops, and a disposable thermometer, some students remain unconvinced of the program's effectiveness.

"I think it's great that UHS is providing free Cold Kits to students with hemorrhagic symptoms, but I'm not sure that enough is being done for students who may have already been exposed," said Casey Landers, '18.

Landers' roommate, Kyle Flores, began bleeding from his eyes, ears, and pores three days ago.  While Flores could not be reached for comment, Landers confirmed that Flores had scheduled an emergency appointment with UHS, which would occur in 16 days.  

Despite student concerns, Barreira voiced confidence in Harvard's Cold Kits.

"Believe me when I tell you, we are doing everything in our power to make sure that an unstoppable virus with no known cure does not wash our campus slick with Crimson blood."

Added Barreira: "That being said, it's always a good idea to wash hands before meals."


© 2014